Sweetheart: I'm writing tonight because "I Miss You" so much. This has been a really rough week. It seems like I'm back at square one. I'm sort of ok on the phone & if someone is over, but the nights have been just horrid. Once again everything & nothing is triggering it. Your photos around the house, your chair, books, anything that you bought or we bought together. I don't know what to do anymore. Erin and I went out for lunch yesterday for St. Patrick's day. We were trying to figure out where to go and she decided she wanted to go out in the sticks to the place with the good bakery, so we did. The food was great. It was rough because you & I always went there on our way to Erie. I watched NASCAR today. Our boys came in 3 & 4. Joey is going to be on an episode of Fast & Loud on Wednesday night. I have to tell Nicole so her and Randy can watch it. Naked & Afraid was on tonight. They were in the Lacandon Jungle in Mexico. Supposedly it was inhabited years ago by the Mayan people who all mysteriously disappeared & died off leaving the area to be taken over by the jungle. The biggest problem were the cougars that can hear a twig snap 2 miles away. They tapped out on day eight because the bugs were so bad getting through the mosquito netting and leaving them with thousands of bites that it was affecting their immune system and the medics were afraid they would go hypotensive. Erin thinks she'll be starting her Residency around June 18th. I so wish you were here because you were so good at driving distance. We could go down a few times a year. I really want to go, but I would have to fly then have no car. I get really tired driving distance which you already know & I'm horrible with directions. Once we went someplace you always knew your way around the next time we went. I loved that about you. You were like a human road map. Most of the snow has finally melted but it's still really cold out. The nights are still in the teens. I'm still so cold all the time. That is really unusual for me. Even Erin commented on that yesterday saying I've been like this for the past few months. It's weird because even when you were still in the hospital & I would come home, I never jacked up the furnace. I would sit out in the winter on the porch. Well, we all know this started on Dec. 26th. There have been some rather unusual things going on in our home lately. Last week I took a count of what I needed when I grocery shopped. I had 2 cans of tuna so I knew I needed to buy 2 more. I never, ever, make up one can because it's just not enough, but then again, you know that. When I came home & unpacked everything and went to put the 2 cans on the shelf there was now only one. Your slippers were moved under the table and no longer straight because the right one was crooked in line like when you use to take them off and put them under the table yourself. Last week I moved your lightweight bathrobe on the door and put it under your heavier grey one. Friday night while I was in the study I was cold and got up to get the lightweight one to put on and it wasn't there. It is no where to be found. It was under your grey one a week ago. I'm still missing a dust rag from a month ago that was on the table then gone when I turned around. No, none of this is freaking me out so don't worry. I have a full week at work this week. I'm normally better there because we're busy. Friday however, was not so good. I was even crying at work on & off. Like I said, this has been a really rough week. Sweetie "I Miss You" and "I Love You" so much. I miss everything about you. Forever is way too long to stick around here without you. My frustrations are mounting and you're not here to get them in check and I really need you right now. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: I just got in from work and talked to Erin again. I'm sure you already know all of this but I had to tell you anyway. She called me at work today because she got her letter regarding her Residency program at a brunch today. She is so excited because she matched at her number one pick which was Duke University in Durham, NC. It looks like a really great city. It also looks like there are a lot of things that you would love to do there. She's going to come over tomorrow so we can go for Corned Beef & Cabbage and possibly to the show. I can't wait to see her. The snow finally stopped and the sun is out today. This has been a really tough week. I just keep crying more than usual especially when I'm here by myself. I just "Miss You" so much. I wish you were here today so I could have shared her news with you. I know how excited & proud of her you would have been. You always told me she would end up at her number one pick and you were right. But then again, I was never one to doubt you. 'I Love You, Sweetie" and "I Miss You" more than you could ever imagine. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetie: Hi, My Love. "I Miss You So Much." I miss you more and more with each day that passes. It's so horrible here without you. Well, that didn't take long and I'm already crying. I had dinner on Sunday night with Noree. It was nice to catch up with her. The new season of Naked & Afraid started and it's pretty good. I still think they're all nuts. There's a new movie coming out called "The Terror". It takes place in the Arctic and is a creepo, so as much as I'd like to watch it knowing you would be here in case I have nightmares from it, I can't, because you're not here to wake me up, give me a hug and kiss, rub my tush and tell me it's just a nightmare, and put your arm around me so I can get back to sleep. It's been snowing the last 3 days quite a bit. Big, fat flakes coming down now outside the study window. They really illuminate in the dark with the lights on outside. They're suppose to get another Noreaster this weekend on the coast. That will make 4 in 4 weeks. Glad we're not there. Erie, PA got dumped with a lot of snow this year. They're pushing our record for most snow in a season and have almost passed it. This would have been a great time to go there. It's so weird because there are red buds on the tree in front of the house and it's been freezing out. There was a fat blue jay flying around the tree thinking it was spring. It was the only one I saw and I've never seen any this early. We got a new book catalog in the mail today. There were some great ones you would have loved on The Vikings, Nikola Tesla, Area 51 and a lot of History books. Yesterday was brutal because we got the new Erie 2018 catalog. We loved getting that every year so we could plan our trips 3-4 times a year. There are a few new restaurants that you would have liked to try along with our favorites. I would love to go back there. We always had such a great time. Our hotel room was the best. It had everything we could possibly need & use. I can't plan to go back without you with me. That would be heartbreaking. It's so hard even going into the closets at home because our suitcases are there. I can't imagine packing for only one. I'm so used to packing for you and me together. And then there was always the 'first bag" packed at least 3 days before we left. It would absolutely kill me to not pack that one. It's still light out at @ 7:30 PM. A 31 year old Norwegian won the Iditarod. He arrived in Nome at 3:AM. He lives in Willow but is originally from Norway. It was the first time since 2011 that the Iditarod was won by someone whose last name wasn't Seavey. I'm missing out on a lot of tokens & badges on Pogo. So many are for games that you played. Tonight I did a free 7 episode of Big City Adventure. I finished 6 then the last one was one of those gear puzzles that you loved and did in seconds flat. I tried at least 15 times then finally gave up. I can't get the badge without doing the puzzle. It's only like 8 gears that you have to mesh. Why am I telling you this, you were the ace at it. I need you here to finish this dang puzzle for me. Also to talk to me, hug & kiss me, and do whatever else you would like to do. I miss you & it so much. I guess if our marriage wasn't one for the books it wouldn't be this hard. I wonder how many people really realize the greater the marriage, the harder the fall. Erin will find out in the early afternoon tomorrow where she will be going to do her Residency. I can't wait to find out. She's going to call as soon as she opens the letter. I told her to call me at work if I'm not home. Hopefully she'll come over Saturday and we can go for Corned Beef & Cabbage. We use to love doing that on St. Patty's day. "I Love You, Sweetie" and "I Miss You So Much." Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Angel Baby: It's been a wild week. It was snowing up a storm Friday night so hard that you couldn't see the field from the study window. The clocks went ahead last night so now it's still light at 6:30PM. Erin came over yesterday and we took a ride out to the coffee shop we loved so much in Clarence. We had a really good lunch. It was so weird because when we pulled in and parked the car where you & I always parked I got this overwhelming really good smell. I basically stopped dead in my tracks when we parked & said to Erin "Oh my God what's that smell, do you smell it?" She looked at me in a strange way and said she didn't smell anything. I then realized it was the smell of the air freshener we always had in the car. I haven't had that air freshener in the car since April of last year, the last time you were in it with me & we went to Clarence. She came back and watched some tv then fell asleep on the couch once I brought her out a pillow and covered her up. She was sleeping so good that when it got dark out I turned on all the lights except in the living room because I didn't want to wake her up. She left about 7:00 to take Brian some food up to the hospital because he was on a 28 hour shift. I'm still trying to figure out why I am so cold all the time. I've been like this since December 26th. I was never cold when I would come home at night when you were still in the hospital. In fact, I never turned the furnace up at all. It seems like ever since you left I just can't get warm. You were always so good at warming my heart among other things, my dear. I'm still having the same problems at night that I've had right along. The incessant loneliness is unbelievable and tearing me apart. I'm ok on the phone for the most part and usually better if someone is here, but not when I'm alone. It's too quiet without you here with me and way too lonely. I still can't get use to not seeing you in the chair on the computer. I use to love bringing you something to eat and drink and giving you a back & neck rub when you were on for a long time. You always enjoyed that so much. Dunkin Donuts has Girl Scout Cookie flavored iced coffee now. Peanut butter, coconut caramel and thin mints. You would love them. Erin finds out on Friday where she matched and will be doing her residency. I can't wait to find out. I told her to call me at work and let me know. May 4th is going to be a really hard day for me. I know how badly you wanted to be at her graduation from medical school and see her graduate. I wish you were here to go with me. Actually, I wish you were here to go anyplace with me because "I Miss You So Much." I definitely had the best honey, when I met and married you. If you weren't so great, I wouldn't be having all the problems I'm having now. You truly were exactly what I wanted and needed, and I know it was the same for you. I still haven't seen the new Fifty Shades of Grey. I'll probably just wait until it comes out for sale and watch the final one with Erin. You and I were going to go together and see it. You are so gorgeous. How did I ever get so lucky? Oh, never mind, I remember. "I Miss You So Much, Sweetheart" and "I Love You with All My Heart." Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: I was going to write yesterday but it was a really tough day for me. It was the day of your Memorial Breakfast at Christies. They did a superb job. The food was excellent like it always is there. It was one of our favorite places to eat as we did so about once a week. The room was really nice. It was painted blue with white linen tablecloths, black linen napkins, gorgeous white flowers in square crystal vases that included purple hydrangeas. I had blue hydrangeas on the table with a lot of our photos. Black, blue & purple being your favorite colors. You would have loved the breakfast. All the foods you liked in the morning and many times at night. Scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, home fries, fresh fruit salad and even French toast sticks that were nice & crunchy with maple syrup, coffee, tea & juices. They had a big screen tv and put in a flash drive of all of the pictures that are on the computer and it repeated non stop. I was ok when I first got there but lost it when I saw the photos of you & us on the tv because they were much more life like than on the computer and at that point I just wanted you there with me so badly. I'm crying again. I have to stop for a bit because I can't see the computer keys. I get like this every time I write because as I'm writing, the photo of you in your tuxedo is watching me with that big smile on your face. I just loved your smile and your voice, especially when you went into your "Dominant" mode. Actually, there was nothing I didn't love about you. The only thing I didn't love was that you left me here alone way too soon. That's why I'm having such a horrible time trying to come to grips with it & coping. It's still not much better at home when I'm here alone. I'm crying again. I need a time out, baby. OK, I'm back. Hopefully I can get this done by midnight. I started @8:30PM. The crying is really terrible tonight. "I Miss You So Much, Angel Baby." The girls from work stopped at Eileen's Bakery on the way home & made a killing. They're stuff is so good. I had the strangest & most unique thing happen yesterday after I came home. I sat down at the computer because I wanted to write but it was way too hard to do yesterday. Truthfully, tonight isn't much better . Anyways, I sat down and decided to play Word Whomp on pogo. Wait, let me back up here. For the past two months I have been trying to think of a town you and I had visited 2-3 times in the past. I could picture everything about it, including what the weather was like when we went. I could see the restaurants we had gone to in vivid detail and the gift shop. What I couldn't recall was where it was or the names on the restaurants. Everything else about the restaurants I remembered. Now, back to the word game. As I was playing, I put in a word I have used & played at least thirty times in the past few months. This time, however, was totally different. As soon as I put in the word, a name immediately popped into my head. I couldn't figure out why. I went off the game and onto google and googled the name. Guess what? Up popped the one restaurant I had been trying to think of all this time with name of the city. I then googled the city and the other restaurant popped up with the gift shop next to it. Then I put it all together. You knew I was upset because of the day, and thought you'd brighten it up for me by giving me the solution to that question I had been pondering the last few months. It felt like you were saying, "Thank You, Darling, I Love You So Much." I was so elated for a while, but then again I realized that those great restaurants and that cute little town will never happen for us again. That's what makes this so hard is because I remember how much fun we had in these places and I would love to go back again, but you wouldn't be going with me and that would just ruin it for me. It has been really rough writing tonight. I don't know why. For some reason I'm crying way more writing tonight than I usually do. I've had to stop writing five times since I started. I'm usually more composed when I write. I normally break down when I'm done and start proof reading it. I guess it's just the same thing but a different day. The more days that go by, the more I Miss You. I'm spent tonight Sweetie. I know already it'll be another lousy night's sleep. As I've said before, the last time I got a good night's sleep, I was at the hospital with you by my side. Do the math honey, it's been quite a while. "I Miss You So Much" and "I Love You" more than any words can ever say. Good Night, Sweetheart. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Angel Baby: I was going to write for a while last night but I started looking through our pictures and just lost it. I kept thinking about all the good times we've had and knowing they will never happen again. It was just too much. I'm starting to cry again just thinking about it. There is a wicked snowstorm tonight. It was suppose to start snowing about 11PM but it started at 9. You would love sitting in the study watching it blow across the field. We're suppose to get @ 12 inches or better of snow. We already have @ 6 inches and it's not even midnight. I would love to have you here with me watching it. I've been getting really upset when I think about just normal, everyday things you use to do like sitting in your chair reading a book, going on the computer, writing on the Infractions Board, or just watching a tv show with me. It really bothers me that you can't enjoy doing that anymore and the fact that you were never given a chance to get home to a normal life since you went into the hospital. I know we tried to keep it as normal as we could even when you were in the hospital. You did a really amazing job at keeping things really normal. You know what I'm talking about. I've noticed I'm always really cold now. I was never, ever cold before. I have to crank the furnace up to where you use to have it and that was always too hot for me. It's been like that ever since I got home from the hospital on the 26th of December. Just so you know, and I'm sure you do, I am signing all cards the way I always did with both of our names. If anyone is uncomfortable, oh well, that's their problem because I am very comfortable doing it and that is all that matters to me. My hair is really getting long because I haven't been up to Canada to get it cut yet. It's too hard to go up by myself. I'm so use to going with you and having a great day and awesome lunch. I was trying to figure out how to charge the flashlight & I can't. I hope it's not too hard to shovel out in front of the garage in the morning. I have to be at work early. "I Love You, Honey" and "I Miss You So Much." The missing you is getting harder by the day. The crying at home has not improved either. Love, Hugs, & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetie Pie: It's been a really tough week again. It started getting really bad about 9:30 Saturday night. I was ok for a little while on Sunday morning. I ran over to Trader Joe's about 8:00am but the rest of the day was really tough especially at night. I realized it was the 25th when I called Erin to wish her a "Happy Birthday" from us. Today is the 26th, a really brutal day. At least I was at work so that made it a little easier. Problem was, I was crying before I left the parking lot because I just didn't want to come home to nobody & nothing. I decided to stop at the liquor store on the way home and get a bottle of a wine that I had seen before that was finally on sale. It's called "Whispering Angel." I couldn't help but think of you the first time I saw it. I know how you use to kid me about picking out wines. Every time we went to the wineries to do the tastings, I always wandered through and picked by label picture and name and brought them up to you before we tried any. They were always excellent picks and you use to tell the shop owners I had to be the only person who could pick them out the way I did and never miss. You always kidded me that I should have been in Vegas or betting on the horses. The horses weren't any different really. I picked by name or color of their blankets and rarely missed. Nicole came back to work today. It was really nice to see her again. She brought me back a really cool blanket that looks like the black & white checkered flag from Daytona. It is super soft. She also brought back really great photos for me of Joey's car that she took while she was there. Tomorrow is National Polar Bear Day. We would be out celebrating like we always did on that day. I wish you were here to do it with me. "I Miss You So Much" and it really hurts to not have you here. The new catalog came today from The Golden Bear. I keep looking at it and wondering what your next surprise for me would have been from there. You however, did a lot from their website that has so many more things than the book. I started to try and read a couple of your books again. Not getting too far. The more I read, the more I want you here with me. I got out your illustrated "Story of O" and one of your Menara-Enard books. I won't say the title of that one, but you know the one I'm talking about. I'm trying to get everything set up for your breakfast on Sunday at Christies. That will be a tough day. Again, because I want you there with me enjoying it. I know how much you loved your breakfast food. "I Love You So Much" and "I Miss You So Much, Honey." Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Angel Baby: Good Morning, Sweetheart. I was going to write last night but as I started looking through the pictures on your website and got to the one of you in your black Customs & Border Patrol shirt holding the menu at Savoury & Sweet, I just lost it. I was crying too hard to think or write so I waited until today. First, an update on the Olympics. There were so many upsets that you would have loved. The US women took the Gold in Hockey in a sudden death shootout & beat the Canadians, US women got Silver in Bobsled, US women took Gold in Cross Country Skiing for the first time ever by beating out Norway who were the heavy favorites, US women took Bronze in Long Track Speed Skating, US men's Curling team beat Canada for the first time ever to advance to the finals & won the Gold over heavily favored Sweden who are ranked #1 in the world, Hungary men's team took the Gold in Men's 500 meter relay in Speed Skating giving them their first ever medal in a Winter Olympics, The Shibutani's took Bronze in Ice Dance. The closing ceremonies are tonight. Work has been good. It's nice to have people around me. Nicole & Randy are back from Florida & the Daytona 500 and she'll be back to work on Tuesday. I'll be glad to see her. It looked like nice weather while they were there. She will probably be really tan & looking great. Today is Erin's birthday. I called her this morning to wish her a "Happy Birthday" from us. She was over during the week & then came over yesterday so we could go out to lunch. I am going to miss her so much if she moves away. I re-organized your bookshelves yesterday because I wanted to put all of your drawing & sketch books together with all of your Erotica books. I never realized you had so many. They take up a full large bookcase. With all of our Erotica novels they take up almost 2 full large bookcases. So cool. While I was cleaning off the shelves to re-organize I found 2 of your projects you were working on hidden away behind some books. One is still in the early stages but the other one is pretty much complete. They were really nice to find. I so wish you had the time to finish them. They are so cool. The bag with all of the leather for your projects is in your closet. You still have a lot left even after everything you made. You were so good at that & always so proud of your work. I especially enjoyed it and loved it time and time again. It's super windy out today & very rainy & overcast. Our favorite kind of day to go out or stay in. We had some 50-60 degree days last week & should get more this week. I wish you were here with me so we could sit and make some plans for vacation. I know how desperately we both needed it, and it's heartbreaking to even think about doing it alone. That is so depressing and no fun what so ever. We always enjoyed ourselves so much when we could get away and always looked so forward to the next one. You were the best at planning trips for us. It was always such a joy to go with you and so much fun and so relaxing. Like I've said before, our marriage was made in "Heaven." Maybe that's why I call you my "Angel Baby." It's still really no better at home when I'm here because I just miss you so much & I'm still crying a lot and every night before I go to sleep. I just wish I could wake up and find you sitting in your chair next to me and know that everything is the way it was with you still here. It's so hard even going to the store and knowing that I can't pick up the phone and call you three or four times. I even used to do it when you were in the hospital because it really kept me connected to you. And I'm crying again. "I Love You, Sweetie" and "I Miss You So Much." Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: It's actually about 12:50AM Monday morning and again I can't sleep. I never really sleep long or good without you here with me. The Olympics are really getting good now. There was a big upset in the 1000 meter speed skating when South Korea ended up with the bronze instead of the gold medal. Canada got gold & the US got silver. Watched the Skeleton & Biathlon. Biathlon was won by a Slovakian female who shot 19/20. It was unreal. The Ski Jumping on the long & normal hill were really good too. I would absolutely love to do that. Ice Dancing finals are on Wednesday night. Hopefully the Shibutani's can medal. Right now they are in 4th place. The Daytona 500 was today. Our boy didn't win, but he came in 4th place. Nicole & Ronny were there cheering him on. They had a gorgeous day for it. On Friday I went to Curry's for a fish fry with Erin. It was so strange not having you there. I wanted you there with us so badly. She came over again today and we went to Platters for Orange Chocolate Coffee. Work has been good. I'm sort of ok when I'm there. I do lose it on & off but I have people around me & we're busy so I'm staying occupied. The nights are the real killer. Once dusk hits, it all really starts to sink in night after night. It's then that I realize how much I really lost and can never get back. I realize that I have nothing in my future to look forward to anymore. My future was with you. I also realize that forever is way too long for me to be without you. It's just too much to handle. People always talk about quality of life. Never being happy again is not quality of life to me. We made a great team. I had the reckless abandon and you had the "Complete Control." And control you did, time after time. What more could I have asked for? How about another thirty years of it with you? Even then, it wouldn't have been enough. I could never get enough of you. You are my everything. I'm crying again. So, what else is new? " Honey,I Love You So Much " and "I Miss You" more than words can ever say. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Honey: I just wanted to tell you again on Valentine's Day "I Love You So Much" and "I Miss You So Much." You always did and always will mean the "World" to me. "Thank You" so much for marrying me. You have always been "Priceless" to me and always will be. You were the absolute "Best Husband" anyone in the universe could ever hope for. I got "REALLY LUCKY" because I got to marry you and have you all to myself. You always told me "I was what you always wanted" but "you, my dear, were what I always wanted and needed." I still wonder what I ever did to deserve you. Oh, never mind, I know. "Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetie." Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: "Happy Hearts Day" to the "Love of My Life." If two hearts ever beat as one they were ours, and I will always be so thankful & grateful to you for that. You are so "Special" to me and "I Love You So Much." I wish you were here enjoying the day with me. Everyone always says it's just a Hallmark day, but we always knew differently. It was always another special day for us to celebrate our Love. Actually, when you think about it, everyday was always a special day for us to celebrate our love. I so wish we had more of them. The Olympics are now in full swing & you would love them. Shaun White won the Gold in Snowboarding on his last & probably final run. He had one of the highest scores ever posted. All the events we really loved are coming up this week: Ski Jump, Bobsled, Luge, Skeleton, Speed Skating, Ice Dancing finals, and Curling. Hopefully the Shibutani's will medal in Ice Dancing. They were so small when we first started seeing them in competitions. Work has been good & I've been able to hold it together pretty much while I'm there. Coming home to our empty home is still no better. I really had a rough time Monday night. Everything and anything was a trigger. I kept looking at your picture on the table & crying because I can't figure out how I could have had all the love you gave me and now I have nothing. It's such an empty & lonely feeling. I would give anything in the world to have you back with me. I'm still getting shocked on the walls, light switches and doors when I touch them. I had two cards for you for Valentine's Day. The first one is black, red and white with three pictures on the front. One is a couple walking at dusk and a heart, one is of two hands clasped together with a small red heart next to them, and the third is a couple leaning against a really cool bridge kissing with a red heart next to them. It reads: "You're the only man for me. I love the way our eyes lock when we look at each other, the way our fingers lace together when we hold hands, the way our lips meet to form the most perfect kisses...I love the way we fit. Happy Valentine's Day from My Heart to Yours." The second card is also black, red & white and has a couple walking with their back to you and he has his arm around her waist and they are holding a bright red lace umbrella . It reads" We have that soul-shaking, magic making, breathtaking kind of love...We have that kind of thing that everyone else is looking for. Lucky Us!" Breathtaking is putting it really mildly for what we had. Ours was so very special and unique that you can't even begin to compare it to anything else. I keep thinking of your favorite saying: " All limits will be respected, but thoroughly tested." And that you always did! And I love you so much for it. Once again baby, "Happy Hearts Day." Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: It's another Sunday morning with no big breakfast because you're not here to share it with me. I had a full week of work last week. It was nice to be back. It kept me occupied during the day plus I had my friends there. It gets really bad when I have to leave to come home because I know I have nothing to look forward to once I get home. The crying usually starts just before I leave work or get in the car to drive home. Once I park the car and start walking down the driveway and don't see you in the study on the computer or in your chair when I come in the door it gets bad. Even though I try and do things, nothing is fun because I know what I have to face when I come home. I try going on POGO but there are so many badges they keep giving us to play for and 90% of them are the games you played. I don't even know how to play them. There are a few new games I would like to play but can't figure out the directions. You were always so good at that. The Winter Olympics started Thursday night. I've been watching but it's just not the same as all the other years when you were here watching with me and we could talk about what was going on. It seems very boring now & I don't have the same enthusiasm as I once did. Last night a 17year old from Colorado came from 9th place in the Slopestyle Snowboard to win the gold medal. The President of the IOC was in the crowd and came up & congratulated him after his run that was phenomenal, even though he hadn't won a medal yet. The Dutch women swept the 3000m in Speed Skating. I've been seeing commercials on for the Kentucky Derby, The Preakness and The Belmont Stakes. I forgot those were even coming up. We always loved to figure out which horses would take the top spots. We always did so well we probably should have made bets on them. It was snowing up a storm here yesterday and today we are suppose to get sleet & freezing rain. We always liked that kind of weather as long as we could just stay in and have fun. Wednesday is Valentine's Day. That will be a really hard day again. I thought by now things may have gotten a little easier at home but that is just not the case. They are OK at work but the emptiness and loneliness at home are just killer. The silence is just too much. I miss you more with each day that passes. It' hard to picture me going into the future without ever having you here with me and actually I really don't want to. I miss you too much. I need you here with me so I can talk to you, get you coffee and snacks, hug & kiss you and tell you how much "I Love You." Nicole & Randy leave for Florida on Wednesday. They are going to see the Daytona 500. They will be rooting on our boy for us. They should have a great time. The new Trader Joe magazine came in the mail the other day and you would have loved it. So many good things you would have circled. "I Love You, Sweetie" and "I Miss You So Very Much." Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: My time without you is getting harder and harder to get through. I know what our life was like and I so desperately want to go back to it with you at my side. "I Miss You So Much" and it hurts so badly to be in our home without you here with me. It's so lonely and empty. I went back to work today. It was nice to be back because it kept me occupied during the day. They had pizza & cake for my birthday. That was really nice. Around 5PM when I looked outside and saw it was getting dark I just lost it. I knew when I came home that you would normally be there to ask me how my day was and what kinds of doggies we had today and give me a big hug & kiss. The first two I saw today were both huge Alaskan Malamutes that were sledders. This afternoon we had two big red and white Siberian Huskies. Those were always our favorites. They were all so cool and I just wanted to come home & tell you how gorgeous they were, but I just came home to an empty house. There's a police meeting tomorrow night at 6:30 but I'm not sure if I'm going. I work late and I want so badly to tell you what goes on at the meeting, but there's no one to talk to after I get home and it's so depressing and sad. We always did so much and made so many great plans and now there's nothing left. There's nothing to ever look forward to anymore. We always had such a great time when we went away and I just don't want to do it alone or with anyone else. It just wouldn't be the same. There's no use in doing things when you have no one to share them with. There is one friend of ours that I would love to sit down with and talk to for a few hours but he always has something else to do and doesn't have the time. Unfortunately, he 's the one that could possibly be a big help to me. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday. Maybe he can help. The opening ceremonies for The Olympics is on Thursday night. I don't really think I'll be watching them too much this year. That was always something we both waited four years to watch so we could enjoy them together. Again, no one to talk to about how anyone is doing or who should win the medals. The brother & sister team, The Shibutani's , who we saw a few times, years ago, when they were really young and always said they would someday go to The Olympics are competing on the US Olympic Team in Ice Dancing. People keep asking if I'm getting better, healing , and some just say you have to shake it off. I'm really tired of these inane questions and statements. They don't have an inkling of what our life was really like because if they did, they wouldn't even think to ask those things. When asked to sum up our marriage in 1 word and 3 words I don't even have to think about it. "Perfect" and "Made in Heaven" sums it up beautifully. Honey, you are so special to me. I love everything about you. I can't think about spending the rest of my life without you. You truly were my life. Here come the tears again. "I Love You So Much" and "I Miss You So Much." I'll write again soon. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: It's 9:29PM, hopefully I can have this completed by midnight while it's still my birthday. I tried quite a few times earlier in the day to write but it's been really bad again today. I could only go about 10 minutes without breaking down." I Miss You So Much" on my birthday and wish so badly that you were here with me. I especially missed my "Special" birthday gift that I got from you every year. Last night I went to the Kenmore Police class to see some of the guys. Of course I was crying there too, but it was really nice to see Dave. I haven't seen him in a really long time. It started getting really bad when I came home @ 10:15 and opened the door to tell you about some new laws that are being passed in October 2018 & in 2019. I had no one to tell. You weren't in your chair and that's when I really started losing it. I'm trying to get some help, so we'll have to see how it goes. It can't get much worse than it already is. It's only been 5 weeks and it's still so bad that to think about forever without you is something I can't face & truthfully don't want to. I went to dinner with my brother, Rhonda & Erin tonight at The Remington. The food was excellent. You would have loved it. Of course I was crying there too because I kept thinking about you not being there with me. Erin did a pretty good job of keeping me occupied. We split our dinners tonight so we could try 2 different things. We had Caesar salad w/grilled shrimp, a brined double cut pork chop w/a seasonal chutney, mashed potatoes, veg, and shrimp and andouille sausage penne pasta in a tomato cream sauce. I had some raw oysters. Lemon tart with whipped cream & berries and coffee for dessert. My brother walked me in and by the time I shut the door I was in tears again. Aside from the food, this was the worst birthday I have ever had and I don't need anymore like this one. I already have the poem memorized I have on the back of your memorial card. It is just so perfect and says it all. "Never say goodbye to love, And let it pass away, And always hold me in your heart, And think of me each day. For my love is always with you, From now until the end, For moments shared will never die, And true love shall transcend." The memories aren't keeping me going, they're too much to deal with. What I really need is to have you here with me for hugs, kisses, sessions and many more memories. "I Love You, Honey" and "I Miss You So Much." You truly are My "Angel Baby." And you always agreed with me that you were. Love, Hugs and Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: I wanted to write for a while tonight but I'm crying too hard again. It's been the beginning of another lousy & miserable week for me. We should be heading to Jamestown for the Ice Dancing Comps & The Winterfest. They added Ice Croquet & Snow Bowling this year. Then I have to deal w/my birthday without you here with me. My brother wants to go to dinner. I don't care either way. I'm use to both of us going out for our birthdays with him. That was always really nice. This will be torture & I'll most likely cry through dinner. Every time I look at your picture next to the box I'm writing in, I lose it and I just can't stop crying. "I Love You So Much" and "I Miss You So Much." I just want you back with me or me with you. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: It's late Sunday night. It's been another bad day. They're all bad days since you've been gone. The crying is so bad I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like everything and nothing triggers it if that makes any sense. Getting up on Sunday mornings is horrible because when I'm home on a Sunday morning you should be here with me & we should be having our big breakfast and then fun times for the day. It seems like every day is just a repeat of the one before it. I'm having a lot of trouble coping and coming to terms with this because I just want you back so badly. I just want to put my arms around you and give you a big hug & kiss and tell you that "I Love You So Much." The only thing I know right now is that I DO NOT want to spend the rest of my life without you. You were my life. It feels like we both died on December 26th not just you. I'm keeping it short tonight. The tears are coming again. "I Love You So Much, Sweetheart" and "I Miss You So Much." Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: The last three days have been brutal. Today has been just horrible. It was one month ago this morning that you went out of my life. Nothing has really helped. The days and nights are so long without you here with me. I just really need to see you again. I need to give you a big hug & kiss and have you hold me and hug me and tell me it will be ok. I need a break for a few minutes. I'm crying so hard I can't even see straight. Sweetie, the bottom line is, "I need you back here with me." I wake up in the morning after about 3 hours of sleep and realize every day that I have nothing to look forward to, no one here to talk to or share my day with, no one to make any really good plans with. It is just horrid. You were always able to keep a really tight rein on my OCD & frustrations. That's not the case anymore. It's like I just wander around with no real purpose. Getting back to work should help for part of the day, but then I have to come home to no one. You were always here to talk to me about my days. Now I just have your empty chair. I look at the smile on your face in this picture and want it all again with you. I don't want the life I had before I met you. For all I did, it was never a happy life. The crying is really no better. I am able to hold it in a little better if I have someone around me, but within 10-15 minutes of their leaving it starts all over again. Next week will not be a good week. We have my birthday, Superbowl Sunday when we always went to Jamestown for the Ice Dancing Competition & Winterfest, and then Valentine's Day with the final chapter of Fifty Shades opening. The crying is really bad tonight. I don't know what to do anymore. Looking at photos doesn't help because I want to go back to doing all those things with you. You were always so much fun. You have always been the perfect husband. I always told you that if other couples had 1/10th the marriage we did, they'd be in good shape. Ours was mindblowing. "I Love You So Much" and "I Miss You So Much." Please try and help me through this because at this point I really don't know what lies ahead for me. I only know it's nothing I'm looking forward to .
Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetie Pie: I was going to wait until Friday to write again, but I decided I needed to write now as well. This is so very difficult that it's hard to even put into words how "Much I Miss You." I keep seeing an ad on tv with the song "I Will Survive" from the movie "The Replacements." We always loved that song & movie. They were both one of our favorites. There are also a lot of ads on for the final chapter of "Fifty Shades of Grey." It opens on Valentine's Day. The ad is really upsetting because I know how badly we wanted to see it together. I saw in your e-mails today that one of our favorite hotel spots for Winter has a really great special through February 28th. The Seneca Alleghany Casino is doing King Size rooms for $49.00 a night. That's the best pricing they've ever done. We would have latched onto that in a heartbeat if you were home. I went into work today for the first time since I broke my foot on Nov 9th to see everyone. I don't actually go back until February 5th. It was so nice to see everybody even though I was not in the best of shape with the crying. At times it appears I am doing a little better because I really try and rein it in when I have people around me, but I am not usually successful. It appears to others that I am doing better but as we all know: looks are deceiving. What looks ok on the outside is actually crumbling on the inside. All the money in the world could not have put me in a better place to work than where I am. The support we have had ever since you went into the hospital on May 17th has been astounding. Whenever you or the hospital called me at work (and you did a lot) that something was wrong or you wanted to double check your meds with me before you took any, while I was still on the phone, Nicole & Cindy were saying: "Nance, just go, go to Michael. We'll cover for you." It was so nice knowing I didn't have to worry about trying to get out to come up to you. They did that a lot & I never had to worry about my job. I will never be able to repay them for all they did. I remember on a Wednesday when I got to work at 12:30 to start at 1:00 & you called at 12:40 because there was a problem. As soon as they heard me tell you I had just gotten to work & it was my late day & I probably would not be out until at least 7:00, they told me to just go up to you & they would cover. I couldn't have been in a better place. They were real angels in disguise. One month ago today was Christmas Eve. You were still here with me and very responsive. After midnight was when everything started to fall apart. I wish we could just go back to that Christmas Eve and stay there. People keep saying you have your memories and pictures. The memories and photos are really killing me. They are no comfort at all. They just keep reminding me of all the fun and great times we had and I want them back with you and me still here together and making plans for the coming year. Things seem to look better on the outside, but they're getting worse. I'm still crying the better part of the day & night and I have not slept more that a couple of hours a night since all this happened. The only times I slept really well & long into the mornings are all the nights I spent in the hospital with you next to me. We both slept exceptionally well. I haven't had one night yet where I didn't cry myself to sleep about 3:00 in the morning. 'I Love You So Much, Sweetheart" and "I Miss You So Very Much." I really do need one of your Hugs & Kisses more than anything, and I need it soon. And now I'm crying again. Until Friday. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: Today should have been a celebration outside for us & a buffet for our outside guys with cut up clementines, apples & mixed nuts since it is National Squirrel Appreciation Day. It is dark & overcast today, just the kind of day we loved. It was also another Sunday morning with no one to make a big breakfast for. That was one of our favorite meals all week. I don't bother anymore. I was cutting recipes out of a few magazines today and then realized that I don't have to bother anymore. I look at all of our cookbooks on the kitchen shelves & realize that my cooking & baking days are over as well. You know how much I hate cutting down recipes. It's no fun anymore to just cook for one and I won't even bother. It would be just too depressing. I was thinking about all of the things I use to do before I met you: dance classes, competing at the Pan American Dance Olympics, volunteering at a boatload of Police & Charity runs, volunteering at Camp Good Days & Special Times as Security for the International Kids, volunteering with the Criminal Justice Committee in Cheektowaga, taking flying lessons, eating out w/a book, traveling and dating. I really did a lot but I was never really happy doing anything. I always knew that something really important was missing from my life and that was YOU. I now realize what I am again missing because I had it with you. I know I have more experience now, but I don't want to go back to that life again. I went for a drive today and it was no fun. I didn't even bother looking around because I didn't care. I can't drive the Thruway because we only took that when we were going on a trip. There's too many signs for Erie & that would be awful to see. If I was going that way, you should be in the car with me & we would be off for about 4 days. I realized walking to the garage today I am walking slower than I ever have. It's not because of my fractured foot since that is almost completely healed, it was because I realized I didn't have to get anywhere in a hurry because I have no one to come back home to anymore. The dead silence in our home is deafening. I saw a saying recently. I have no idea who wrote it but it was awesome. It read: " If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever." No statement made has ever been more true. "I Love You So Much Sweetie and I Miss You More Than Words Can Ever Say." I desperately need one of you hugs and kisses and for you to talk to me. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Sweetheart: Only when I'm writing for you does it seem to quell the crying for a time. No, nothing is getting easier, only harder. I miss you more that each day passes. I was again thinking about you in your long black coat--you looked so gorgeous & so sexy in it. I thought about when you had on black slacks & a long sleeve white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. You not only looked fabulous but I also knew what that meant. I remember you sitting at the desk drawing. Your pictures are exquisite. You were an expert on the shooting ranges. I remember when we were in Niagara Falls for our CBP classes & went out to shoot. You were so proud of me because I was the only girl in that class & beat out all the guys on the range except for you. I loved it when you ordered me gifts from The Golden Bear & gave them to me to open as soon as I walked through the door. You couldn't wait until the day I was suppose to get it--you were too excited. I will never forget how every time you walked through the door you came over and kissed me before you did anything else. You didn't even take off your jacket first--and how at least 5 times a day you told me you loved me. You said you were so happy you waited 9 years to meet me. You said I was definitely worth the wait. I wholeheartedly agree with that, but I waited a lifetime for you and you were definitely worth it. I wouldn't have wanted any other. The last 3 Christmas gifts you ordered for me from The Twisted Screw that were on backorder arrived today. I still haven't opened them. That will be really hard. I know how much you liked that store. I'm still getting shocked left & right with the light switches, door locks and the walls whenever I touch them. It was like that so many times when we kissed--we shocked each other--so cool. Someone told me that it's your energy in our home watching over me. The table next to your chair is cleaned off. On it I now have your box, framed photos of us & my last Anniversary card from you. That was so special what you wrote inside. It's so lonely here with the silence. Not having you to talk to while I watch TV--I usually have it on mute. It's no better if I go out because then I have to come home to no-one. I'm use to calling you 4-5 times whenever I went out. Barnes & Noble called a few days ago that a book I ordered came in. I didn't order any books. You ordered "The Headmaster" back in August knowing the new one would be out in January and that I had the other eleven in the series." Thank You So Much, Sweetheart," but I don't know when I will be able to start it. I loved reading them and then chatting with you about them. It's still snowing up a storm here. I wish we were here curled up enjoying it. I don't enjoy it much anymore. I will write again soon. "I Love You With All My Heart, Sweetheart". Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX
Sweetheart: "Happy Birthday !!!" This is a really hard day for me because I want you here with me celebrating your Birthday. I sat and thought about a lot of the things we had done & places we visited over the years. Sled dog races in Alleghany, NY & Warren, PA, Finger Lakes & Canadian wineries, Jamestown in August & February for the Skating Competitions & Winterfest, Chautauqua, Findley Lake, Bemus Point, Wolf's Maple Lodge, Henry's Farm Market, Lewiston, East Aurora, Holley NY at Hurd's Orchards for the Thanksgiving Tastings, Canandaigua, Seneca Park Zoo, Niagara-on-the-Lake, St. Catherine's, Stratford, Kitchener, Port Colborne, Port Dalhousie, Niagara Falls, Fort Niagara, Fort Erie, Burlington, Hamilton, Long Rides, Pogo, remembering you were always a "Master" with directions whenever we traveled. The Olean Squirrels, The Titanic & Tesla Exhibits, Bookstores & Coffee, Garage & Library Sales, Coffee Shops & Jazz, Kink Stores & Tack Shops, The "Infractions Board" that you would leave me messages on, Gifts from The Twisted Screw , The Romantic Rose & The Golden Bear. Sterling & Fulton. The Seneca Lodge, Niagara Falls Dances, Ravenwood Castle in the Hocking Hills Forest, seeing as many productions of Evita & Romeo & Juliet as we could, Aurora, Skaneateles, Saratoga, The Herkimer Diamond Mines, Cooperstown, Ithaca, The Transit Drive-In, Scrabble games with drinks & treats, ALWAYS being exceedingly protective of me, always facing doors & exits when we went anywhere in case there was ever a problem, ordering for me in restaurants, Sessions, Our Playroom, Packing to go away--the "first" bag packed was always the best. You always said we were the only ones who did that. Holding Hands when we were out, Lots of Lunches out, your favorite things to make: Weiner Stew, Crepes, Spaetzle, Short Rib Dinner, Hungarian Sausage. Going to Sanctuary, Blowing out the Streetlights whenever you walked, drove or parked the car & got out. Always really enjoying the trips my brother gave us for Christmas Gifts. I'm "So Sorry" we never got to use the last one. It would have been as great as all the others & we were really looking forward to it. You always had the warmest, softest hands & kick ass legs. Your Leather Making ability was Stellar. Going to Canada to get our hair cut, all the great places we went to eat--too many to even start naming but a few big favorites were: Smugglers Wharf in Erie, PA & The Budapest in London, ON, Suisse Chalet in Niagara Falls, ON, Copacabana in Niagara Falls, ON, The Seneca Café in the Seneca Alleghany Casino & Resort. Seeing Meatloaf in Concert. Watching the First Snowfall of the season, Watching the Thunderstorms & Lightening, Always taking vacation the week of our Anniversary, Sitting out & feeding the Squirrels, All of The Adoptees, Bringing you coffee & snacks in the Study at night when you were on the computer. Waiting four years for the Winter Olympics & watching them together. I was holding it together until just now--be back in a minute- I need a break. I'm back Sweetie. The Olympics will be really hard for me to watch in February. Gargoyles, Angels, Polar Bears & Siberian Huskies. Putting up the Christmas Tree decorated with 1,100 little white lights, angels, gold hearts, turtle doves & Arctic Animals. You always said they could land the planes from the light coming from our window when it was lit. Christmas Eve, our favorite day & night of the year. I look into the study from our Living Room now & it's dark. I'm used to seeing the desk lamp on & you at our desk on the computer. I tried turning the desk lamp on but it doesn't help because I can't see you at the desk. I'm really missing you on your Birthday. I would give anything in the world to hold you again, talk to you and get one of your Great Kisses and Hugs. "I Love You So Much Sweetheart" and "I Miss You Something Fierce." Words can never be enough to tell you how much you mean to me. I'll be back again to write more. "Happy Birthday, My Love." Love, Hugs & Kisses, Me. XOXOXOX. aka: as inscribed on the inside of your Black Ring: "Love Forever, Gabrielle." Don't worry Sweetheart, I'm not going to say what you had inscribed on the inside of mine. That will be our little secret.
Sweetheart: I had to get you both candles. I know how much we loved them. Our time was way too short. We still had things we wanted and needed to do. Looking at photos, memories, thinking of all we did over the years really hurts because you're not here to share them with me. The crying is getting no better. I want you here on Sunday mornings for breakfast, reading with me, playing Scrabble, waking up with you, going on our trips, packing the first travel bag, just being here to talk to & share our days together & then our nights. " I Love You So Much " & "Miss You So Much." I don't understand how people deal with this and get better. I don't see that in my future without you here to help me. "I Love You, Angel Baby & I Miss You " more than words can ever say. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX.
Honey: You were truly the "Light of my Life". I'll never forget the day we were driving back from Sterling on a country road in Fulton when I started crying in the car. You pulled off to the side of the road & asked me what was wrong. I told you that was the best weekend of my life & now it was over. You looked at me & said you were going to wait to do this, but decided to do it now. I started crying harder. I thought you were breaking up with me. You held my hand, caressed my cheek, wiped my tears & said " It doesn't have to be over if you say you'll marry me." I will never forget that day. We had only been going out for @ 6 weeks. You said you decided that a few weeks ago when we were in Niagara Falls for a dance & were walking down by the Falls. You turned me and kissed me & all the fireworks went off behind us. You said you knew that was a sign. You have rocked my world ever since that day. " I Love You So Much" and "Miss You So Much." I would do ANYTHING in the world to have you back. You were the" Best Husband in the World." You are truly a "Priceless Treasure " to me. Love, Hugs & Kisses. Me. XOXOXOX. bzzbzz